EXTREME BORING FILM DEPRECIATION MANIA - OSCARS 2006 EDITION

The Academy is certainly celebrating a lot of lifeless product this year. Which is very unusual isn’t it. With the exception of Transamerica which we are hoping is at least “quite good”, all the big ticket films are, we’re not afraid to say, FUCKING BORING. We don’t care anymore! We’re saying it! These films are a SNORE! Why isn’t The Family Stone nominated for anything? Or Mysterious Skin? Or something by the Wayans brothers? That might put a bit of life in the proceedings! And you know, we ordinarily have a lot of time for art-wank, but the nominated films are indulgent and passionless! These films are not art at all! As we were shrieking earlier, just because something's technically excellent or well made or about an important theme, it doesn't automatically make for good entertainment. Let’s consider some views that we and some other important people have helpfully put forward on the “main contenders”:

CAPOTE
Dull. As we have previously expressed. So dull that it inspired nothing more than an Extreme Boring Film Depreciation Mania.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Our beloved commenter Woodsman had this to say:
"Nobody can deny that the real synopsis of that snorefest is that it is about a gay shepherd and his housewife who stays at home to cook and clean and the one time she goes to pick up the shopping she falls off her horse and gets into a tizz. The shepherd and his wife get sacked for ineptitude and cos it gets a little chilly and they continue a life of being closeted fuckbuddies for the next 20 years cos one of them can't commit.

UM HELLO, HOW IS THAT GROUNDBREAKING????

Don’t even go there about them being Cowboys - there will be more competent cowboys on a float down Oxford Street this weekend.

That is all."

We pretty much agree with this analysis. We liked Anne Hathaway and her wigs though.

WALK THE LINE
According to the explosive CLEMBASTOW, we are unsurprised to learn that this turgid-looking work is a “BORING... SNOREFEST. But try telling that to the millions of furiously spoofing (and I mean that in the creaming sense, not the 'making fun of' sense) Cash fans.”

Viewers, Clem is almost always on the money with her reviews and there is now about the same chance that we’ll see Walk The Line as there is that Nick Cave will host the 2006 TV Week Logie Awards. ALSO: No film should ever be longer than 100 minutes (at the VERY MOST).

GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK
The Incorrect Movie Database says that “the film seemed to be historically accurate but was boring and tedious and just a plain waste of time. I know the black and white was to bring you back to the 1950s but I was around then and the TV was in black and white but the world was in color and the life these people were living was in real color and with some real depth.” Granted, we had to scroll through pages and pages of fawning user comments to find this, but it makes our point nicely do you not think.

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
This film is an unsatisfactory pile! Like a 145 minute lecture on how a geisha is not a prostitute (but also sort of is). And all in hilariously stiff, ESL language-school English. Did we mention that this film is long and excruciatingly dull.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
We take certain truths to be self-evident.

Look, all we are saying is that in 2007, Dannii Minogue's new film "Except East Richmond"* had BETTER BE UP FOR SOME AWARDS. Or else, more depreciation may be expected.

* Yes, this is her new film. About going on the Melbourne trains, we believe. Costas Mandylor co-stars.