FOP SYMPOSIUM 2005: REVIEW #8

No one got as outwardly cranky than Ausculture when we became shithouse at actually usuing the material we'd actively solicited for the 2005 Symposium. "I spent AGES on that, FOR YOU!" Jess screamed. We got really scared and started making excuses and brandishing Robyn albums to distract her. It worked, and then it didn't. She's probably still completely pissed at us but she's written something so great that we can understand why. Also, you should know that Jess Ausculture is one of the key blogger proponents of the notion that pop music is just as good as "proper" music, a cause close to our dark little hearts here at Fop. Just LOOK what's she's made of the Little Trees. GREAT. (What's it all about? An explanation of sorts is here.)

REVIEW BY JESS FROM AUSCULTURE It's fair to say that most music listeners tend to disparage the lyrical content of many "pop" songs, considering them to be trite, superficial and often owing more to a nearby rhyming dictionary than deep emotion or intelligent consideration of big and important issues. The same can be said of most Oasis lyrics, but I digress.

The fact is, kids, that most music listeners are completely and utterly wrong. More wrong than George W. Bush was about weapons of mass destruction. More wrong than the Australian Government's approach to the issue of asylum seekers. And even more wrong than Richard Wilkins managing to reproduce not once, not twice, but six times. Yes, that wrong.

Allow me to name a few pop songs which were widely criticised for their lyrical content by uncultured barbarians unable to grasp their deeper meanings, and inform anyone "missing the boat" of just what the song was really about.

Barbie Girl - Aqua
Almost universally derided for being a frivolous song with lyrics relating to the life of Mattel's biggest money-spinner, the public seemed unable to comprehend the way this posse of Danish popstars sagely addressed issues relating to new age feminism whilst skilfully managing to acknowledge the struggles of suffragettes in the early 20th century. The public are a pack of braying ignorant fools.

Who Let The Dogs Out? - Baha Men
While most listeners considered this song to be at best a rallying theme song for dog pound employees worldwide and at worst, a barely tuneful and appallingly sexist novelty song, the truth is that the Baha Men were actually paving the way for Bob Geldof's appeal to G8 leaders by penning a track about the cruel and devastating effect of monetary debt repayments on third world nations. Yes.

The Ketchup Song - Las Ketchup
This song was the inspiration for the critically acclaimed flick The Motorcycle Diaries starring Gael Bernal Garcia, and yet will the Las Ketchup girls ever get their due? I suspect not.

Yes, I think I have proved beyond an iota of doubt that songs from the pop genre have been unfairly looked down upon, subject matter wise, and thus it is no surprise that the lyrics of a glorious release like Help! I'm A Fish! were similarly scoffed at by an naive and uneducated public.

Read the following lyrics. Right now. By the way, do you love my new demanding side? You'd better. I demand it of you.

Do you wanna know how living is beneath the waves?
Do you wanna know how everything i knew was changed?
It wasn't such a big commotion
I just had a drop of magic potion
With a wriggle a twist a splash
And a splish you're a fish
Help me!

i'm a little yellow fish in the deep blue sea won't somebody
help me i'm a little yellow fish in the deep blue sea won't
somebody save me please

do you wanna take a whalebus wanna meet a stupid shark
do you wanna ride a seahorse or hide in an oyster park

chorus

life is strange at the bottom of the ocean you won't believe
the things you see
stay ashore don't give in to notions
if you don't wanna be like me

repeat chorus 5 times

"Oh, what a POINTLESS song!" I hear the laughably stupid buffoons out there cry as they dribble warm saliva down their chin, "Whalebus? Oyster park? What nonsense this is!"

In the manner of The A Team, I pity the fools who let this songs actual meaning wash over them without understanding the reality of the subject matter. It is not a vaguely hallucinagenic ramble about living life in some sort of Finding Nemo world. Oh no.

It is an earnest plea from three committed environmentalist teens to the entire world. It is obvious to anyone with more than three functioning braincells that the song is actually about the endangered Erimyzon sucetta.

Don't recognise the name? Perhaps that's because you're more familiar with it being called by another fantastic moniker. Indeed, the Erimyzon sucetta is also known as the Lake Chubsucker, and folks? It's threatened.



Yes, the Lake Chubsucker, the Earth's most charming and appealing bottom-roving predator (and believe me, I've known a few 'bottom-roving predators' in my time, ho ho ho chortle etc) is the "little yellow fish" referred to in The Little Trees catchy tune. The Little Trees, bless their sweet, empathetic hearts, are begging the world to put itself in the place of this tragically endangered New York river dwelling fish and hopefully begin establishing a decent plan of attack to save the wee creatures.

"Wait!" a few of you are obviously screaming at your monitor, "The Little Trees reference the ocean! And stupid sharks! And magic potion! How is this applicable to a river dwelling fish from New York City?!"

Dudes, it's called artistic license. Christ, can you imagine singing an entire song about the actual day to day existence of a Lake Chubsucker? It'd never work on radio. No, The Little Trees did precisely the right thing when they added a bit of marketing spin to the life story of this particular "little yellow fish".

Fin.

ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS, JESS AUSCULTURE?