WE APOLOGISE IF YOU ARE REAL AND THIS IS HURTFUL

Is the advent of the Tammin Sursok musical career something that has really been thought out, please? Was the Bec Cartwright debacle not enough of a cautionary tale for whoever it is who encourages these Home and a Gay ladies to bang out tunes in any kind of public arena? Bec, you know, had it three-quarters right, so far as fashioning a post-soap career folloing the correct four-point plan. Please view this checklist:

* Snappy dancers? YES
* Shiny outfits? YES
* Cheesecake consumption? YES
* Songs suitable for children and gays? NO, they are UNSUITABLE

Bec Cartwright got it slightly wrong, and paid the "ultimate penalty". You would think that this tragic tableau would have been followed with some interest by Tammin, but it seems she has been oblivious. The CFB Women are keen providers of Sursok critique, if that's what you're looking for, but please note that the Tammin website is where it all starts to go wrong. There, we learn over and over that Tammin is REAL (like Avril), rather than FAKE (like Dannii). And as such, she has really made a mess of things. For instance:

* She is a Proper Artist! ("I write music and lyrics," she shouts angrily, within her website)
* She is committed to Proper Music, and the internet says that her album contains "only live instrumentation". OH, THANK GOD
* She turned down, has she mentioned, a record deal when she was only 17. Now, being 20, she can be PROPER (like Vanessa Carlton) rather than frivolous (like Nikki Webster).
* AND, she was recently "personally involved" in punching out her renowned blend of "dope rhymes and flat beats" at the opening of the new Ikea in Sydney. The website assesses this prospect as being "coolies".

Oh Tammin, you duffer! There's no need for all this pretence. Really, JUST STOP IT. Get yourself some dancers, "borrow" one of the A Teens finger-snapping chart toppers, and get yourself a real career. Seriously, the Lavigne "theme" is NOT going to last. What you might consider, actually, is the Slinkee Minx approach. My GOD, we have decided that we ABSOLUTELY LOVE Slinkee Minx.

*They are back with a hilarious new single called "Closer".
*This is sadly not a Kylie cover.
*It is not even a Nine Inch Nails cover. (But wouldn't that be GOOD. **)
*It is still alarmingly good.
*It has a video set in an awful looking club featuring preposterous members of what appears to be The Public, singing of solitary, decontextualised lines of lyric over and over again in the "trance-pop style".
*There are also spangly outfits and oodles of incidents of pointless dancing (pleasing to see they took our advice in respect of the lack of dancing last Slinkee Minx video)!
*There is almost certainly cheesecake eating!
*It is reminiscent of dropped resting popstrel Joanne BZ's video for "Jackie", which is perhaps one of the greatest ever "pieces" shown on the television.
Summary: Slinkee Minx have made an Instant Pop Classic, for gays and kids (rather important, since these people control pop)! We are quite serious about our love for it.

Are you listening to this Tammin Sursok, you SIMPLE LITTLE IDIOT?
** Why doesn't anyone ever think of this sort of thing? Why isn't Jet tribute act Grinspoon's recent single "Better Off Alone" an Alice Deejay cover? This would have been amusing, if only due to the fact that Alice's album was called "Who Needs Guitars Anyway?", and Grinspoon probably think that THEY need guitars. WHAT A PARADOX.