WHAT SHOULD THAT ANCIENT EMBARRASSMENT JULIA ROBERTS DO NEXT: A CAREFUL ANALYSIS

Do you know, we like NOTHING MORE than poking through the forums on the Incorrect Movie Database on a tedious Wednesday afternoon. We do! We really do. And it occurred to us for one reason or another to see what people "on the street" are saying about mole-tastic HOLLYWOOD ACTRESS JULIA ROBERTS. Because she seems to have sort of disappeared and is only doing animated films from now on, by the looks of her "upcoming films" section. It's very strange and we thought the messageboards could shed some light on some Julia scandal that we might like to know about that is keeping her off the screen.


Hello, my precious fans

Anyway, so you know, the consensus appears to be that Julia Roberts is TOO OLD to be in a film, ever again. Which isn't quite the scandal we were looking for. But some good did come of our perusal of the Julia boards: we located the following wonderful, wonderful post:

I think that Hollywood is going to be steering clear of the expensive and older looking actresses instead focusing its attention on younger actresses who have a wider appeal.

It's inevitable that every generation will have it's own "Pretty Woman", and the truth is, the 90s are over and a younger audience will decide who is America's Sweetheart for the 21st century. It is only logical that it will be someone from their own age group, not someone that they watched as an extremely small child.

Accordingly, I think Julia Roberts should just retire at this point in time. If she goes on to make a bundle of less than stellar movies, THAT is what she will be remembered for, not the (admittedly questionable) body of her work that occurred in the 90s.

If she can make it on Broadway, not only is it more likely that her previous fan base will follow her there, but she will probably find it a much more nurturing venue for a aging, faded star.

So much about this has made our day:

1. The way it's been so carefully (lovingly?) structured like a legal advice, so the "law" is set out in the first two paragraphs, leading to the conclusion in the third paragraph which should by then be APPARENT TO ALL ("Accordingly...")!

2. The way Julia Roberts isn't even mentioned by name until the third paragraph, so serious is the author's intent to CLEARLY SET OUT THE APPLICABLE LAW ("Old actresses will certainly never work again") before they even turn their mind to the faintly unsavoury "facts at hand" ("Julia Roberts is so disgustingly old; the only people who remember her would have been tiny little babies when they saw her films"). Like a judge (eg, that fat old Callinan J)!

3. The implication that only TINY INFANTS would ever have watched and enjoyed a Julia Roberts film "back in the day" (we suppose this is sort of true though)!

4. The suggestion that she should just bugger off to Broadway forever, because this is where old actresses go to die and her fans are all so indiscriminate and basically spastic that they would simply put up with whatever old tosh she saw fit to churn out "on Broadway" in her dotage!

5. The implication that Julia Roberts has secretly transformed into a senile old Norma Desmond-type figure! (has she)

It's very funny. But we should move on.

Help I'm A Fish stuff is COMING, we swear. Thank you for your patience!