WHEN IN DOUBT, PERFORM FOR GAYS

You'll be astounded to hear that someone in an artist management/bookings role somewhere in Australia has seen fit to put Ricki-Lee Coulter and two dancers on the stage this Friday at the Xchange, a trashy good-times-for-all gay venue in Melbourne. And we'll frankly be BUGGERED if we're going to miss that. This is going to be just excellent. All acts should be put on that stage if they want chart success in this country! We really ought to be following the UK "model" in that respect.

Last time we saw a reality TV popstrel at the Xchange, it was quite the memorable occasion. It was Danielle, runner up from Popstars 3, who was to perform. The crowd were visibly excited, many mistakenly believing they would be getting an oiled-up Scott Cain on stage rather than the insipid Danielle. The air was thick with anticipation and amyl fumes when she finally appeared. The DJ took a smidge too long to fade out the sped-up version of "Genie In A Bottle" that had been playing. Danielle waited patiently for the opportunity to politely thank the frenzied gays for having her, and to announce that "the single's gone top 20! And here it is!" 'Tell Me If You Like It' was then carefully banged out to the wild acclaim of the punters.

Danielle, however, had nothing else up her glomesh sleeve. Nothing else at all. "Have a great night, guys!" she screamed.

It became evident that Danielle was unlikely to be providing anything further for what was, let's be honest, the most easily-pleased audience ever. The crowd was appalled. This was an audience unused to non-drag performers. This was an audience that had paid $14 each. This was an audience on the absolute EDGE. We were not about to let terrified Danielle and her toothy dancers out of our inhalant-addled clutches anytime soon. There was booing. Violence was imminent. Clearly cornered (literally, because she had to walk through part of the audience to get off the stage), Danielle made a frantic "spooling" motion with her fingers to the sound people. The garbled tinny chatter of the backing track for 'Tell Me If You Like It' speeding back to the start was then clearly audible through the speakers, to our utter delight. Her eyes wild with fear, Danielle then proceeded to perform the exact same song again. With the exact same dance routine. And we were sated (for a time).

Anyway, Ricki-Lee will surely be just as good as we seem to remember Danielle was on that particular occasion. However, we just hope she doesn't try to sing live. We simply hate music that isn't mimed. She should be concentrating on:

* looking good; and
* dancing well.

That is all.