SO WE’RE HERE TO SAY, HOW WE FEEL RIGHT NOW: ON EUROVISION 2005

Right. Last night Fop carefully viewed the entirety of the Eurovision semi-final, and it would be accurate to say we are resultantly “spewing” (or variant). We aren’t quite sure exactly why, but it seems all sorts of wrong voting has occurred, allowing certain nations’ horrendous acts to progress to the final, while other, far more deserving nations are being sent home. We now provide a summary of the fucked up nature of the semi-final results for your review:

WHO SHOULD BE IN THE FINAL BUT HAS BEEN SENT HOME:

1. ICELAND: Selma Björnsdóttir, "If I Had Your Love"


Although this was tipped as a potential (if unlikely) winner, Selma’s provision of great pop, and her dancers’ shapes-on-the-floor dancing were not ultimately recognised by Europe in the manner necessary for this to make the final. It is really quite sad as it was rather terrific and she will surely never come back after such inexplicably shoddy treatment by the pan-European voting public.

2. BELARUS: Angelica Agurbash, “Love Me Tonight”


We have been clearly labouring under the misapprehension that a Eurovision final is a suitable location for fabulous divas with fabulous pop gems to offer, great dancers and a reputation for faintly imperial haughtiness. WHAT IS WRONG with everyone? This was magical! And two, TWO costume tear-offs during one three-minute performance. Is this not sufficient for the spastic European voters? Tools.

3. THE NETHERLANDS: Glennis Grace, “My Impossible Dream”


We literally felt like crying for Glennis when this didn’t get through. And we don’t normally find it so acceptable to send a “beautiful ballad” to Eurovision – but this is genuinely so, so lovely and it was an exceptional performance – plus, she did little “motions” to illustrate her words during the chorus in the most fantastic available manner, including a great "running" one. The failure of this to even make the final is truly a badge for all that is wrong with this fucked competition (even though we do love it really of course).

4. ESTONIA: Suntribe, “Let’s Get Loud”



For shit’s sake, they are the Estonian Girls Aloud, and they each had their own DJ console! And a jaunty as all get-out chorus featuring the adorable ESL line: “Come on girls, sing along that song!” SING ALONG THAT SONG! How much more brilliance do people require? We really hope they don’t get sacked from their work experience positions over at Feel Good Pty Ltd when Damon Albarn finds out. You know what he’s bloody like.

AND SOME ABSOLUTE SHIT THAT’S GOING THROUGH TO THE FINAL:

1. DENMARK: Jakob Sveistrup, "Talking to you"



“Hello, may I have three beige pots of bland?” “Yes, you may.” “Thank you, good day to you.” “Good day.”

2. CROATIA: Boris feat. Lado, "Wolves die alone"


This one is like a “what not to do” for Eurovision, as far as Fop is concerned. If you, for some CRAZY reason, wanted repulsively ugly performers, a shit song and more traditional instruments than an international court or tribunal would ever deem necessary, you would have all that “and more”, in this terrible performance.

3. LATVIA: Walters & Kazha, "The war is not over"



We really do take certain truths to be self evident.

At the very least Finland didn’t get through.

It is, of course, still worth watching, we note. Although we are meant to be representing Romania at the Fop Eurovision “function” tomorrow night, we are actually going to be secretly barracking for Greece, even if we are a tiny bit suspicious of Kyria Paparizou's ability to sing her own (admittedly very good) song. We shall SEE then shan’t we.

Seriously, we don’t know what sort of Europe it is that would send Glennis Grace back home to the Low Countries while allowing that shithouse Latvian entry into the final. But something is going to HAVE to be done! Maybe Popjustice can institute some form of campaign to “fix” the Eurovision voting up for 2006 (and bring back Italy, and finally let China in)! That would make us feel much better.