WE KNOW YOU TOO WELL - YOUR SMILE IS NO DISGUISE

Oh, NO. You leave your Nikki to Win campaign for a short time, and LOOK what happens. Holly Brisley comes over to your site and starts screeching at you in your comments (we are gay, Holly tells us. The whole Fop "enterprise"! GAY! Thank GOD for your blistering insight, Holly, you DICKHEAD.) But Nikki, viewers! NIKKI! She got BOOTED from The Pretty Dancing Show last night. And it was all quite awful. This is what we remember, after drinking some wine:

* We maintain that Nikki danced the tango QUITE WELL! She was, in fact, spinning around! MOVE OUT of her WAY!
* She danced to a frankly terrifying live version of "Ride It" by Geri Halliwell. (This song was chosen, apparently, by Sasha, which doesn't bode well for the romantic prospects for Nikki and her dancing partner earmarked by us and CFB Goes Pop earlier in the series
* Another wig, was worn! (Do you know, what Nikki loves, viewers? WIGS, is the answer. She loves wigs.)

Then it all turned very nasty:

* Todd McKenney gave Nikki one point. One! (OUTRAGEOUSLY, he gave Derryn six or seven.) He also proceeded to unleash a tirade about Nikki and Sasha being like Mouseketeers or some such, and that he "hated it".
* Nikki appeared close to tears, and UNDERSTANDABLY so.
* Paul Mercurio started off being a bit nicer. And we were pleased. Until something awful happened, involving Nikki being told by Paul that the tango involves "passion" and "adult emotion", which led to poor Nikki babbling something about not having quite experienced the full gamut of same, and Paul instructing her to get out there and have the said experiences (immediately, apparently). Even more terrible was the way that Nikki then nodded obediently, as in, "yes I will become sexually experienced as you rightly suggest Sirs, in order that I dance better for your entertainment on the television.". Oh DEAR, it was awful. Our heads were in some couch cushions at this point.
* The atrocious Sonia Kruger asked Holly Brisley if she'd care to donate some of her many judges' points to Nikki. Her delightful response: "Yes, something something a bit upsetting, something THE POOR LITTLE THING. Something." Patronising harridan. (She didn't donate any points.)

In summary, don't cry, Nikki! You are, and always have been, better than something on Channel 7 (except The Desperate Housewives, possibly). We are looking to the future! As follows:

WHAT'S NEXT FOR NIKKI: It could be anything, really. We like to imagine she'll soon be sitting on some governmental advisory board whose principal purpose is to ensure that Todd McKenney is never again gainfully employed. But do NOT forget that she has an entire grown up pop album up her frilly sleeve, which a label is SURE to want to help her to release now. She has an unfortunate "stint" coming up as the FHM magazine cover girl for April. So we choose to imagine that this will relaunch her, in the "style" of Sophie Monk, or that Javine from over the way. This is the start, you see, of New Nikki.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR FOP AND THE LOVE PAVILION: We can't speak for our blog twins Crystal and Michael (though we daresay they'll be busting it out for some time to come, Nikki or no Nikki). But we've got lots more in us yet! As these lay-deez:



would once have bellowed, we're sure to be coming back "again, with a different FLEX". Can we maybe have a Mis-Teeq liz-o-vation at some stage please Crystal Which would perhaps be a relief to Holly Brisley, since she won't have to come round here starting shit in our comments! Did you know, apparently, the way Fop is going, we won't be receiving any compliments in future! (And you will, Holly? PLEASE.) Thank you, to everyone who made an effort to get in the Nikki-supporting mood, even just our little bit. Our principal partners and sponsors: The Love Pavilion, The CFB Gals (Spiderwebster is Alyson's MASTERWORK, viewers - you need to print this out to properly appreciate it), Ausculture - you are all comedy geniuses and we heart you. And Nikki Webster - we think you are genuinely fabulous.

We'll be back tomorrow with different things of variable quality!