I was faced with a choice, at a difficult age. Would I write a book, or should I take to the stage

Monday, May 31


Australian Big Brother has picked the most boring housemates ever this year. And we've booted out all the ones likely to cause any ripples (apart from Paul, perhaps. Fop is still sitting on the fence about Paul. More on that story later). ANYWAY, we became so desperate FOR SOMETHING BETTER today that we performed a comparison with the housemates on the new series of UK Big Brother. And surprise surprise, they are one million times better. The UK house seems to be stuffed full of gays, and there's a homophobic asylum seeker thrown in for fun. GENIUS. Michael from the Love Pavilion claims this to be no good, but the Australian series is peopled by bland prudes who pepper their every sentence with the word "mate", and two men who periodically break into horrifying, frenetic displays of freestyling/beatboxing. You would have to admit that even the most shallow of the gays would make for less distressing viewing than this.

Other good things about UK Big Brother:
* One of them has the wondrous name of Kitten Pinder and she looks a bit like Peaches!

* They've been fighting in mud and rubbing stuff on each other (or something. It's hard to tell on the interweb, exactly what's going on.)!
* One is posh and has her own flock of sheep! (Thank you Michael, again, for picking out this gem)

THIS is the sort of thing we want to see here. Even Fop's favourite TV host ever, the tremendous Gretel has been looking a bit fed up with having little to no grotty material to merrily report for Wednesday nights' Big Brother Porno Edition this year. There are only so many single-entendres that she can use, to fill out the hour! THROW HER A FRICKEN BONE.

That is all.

Gretel: "You all bore me. Do something interesting, or I'm off to crank out another grubby children's book."


At 10:54 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paul is wonderful. Full stop. He just is. He's got character. Even if it is bad.

Merlin is horrible. He has horrible hair and talks like a social worker. Ugh. And he has a job with a record company. Fuck off so I can have your job please.


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