I was faced with a choice, at a difficult age. Would I write a book, or should I take to the stage

Thursday, February 26

"Simpson, 'eh?"

Of *course* I mean that delightfully tarty sub-Christian gal with her own reality show, Jessica Simpson. I have really taken a liking to watching her and her HOT husband swan around their outrageously tacky, enormous mock-mock-Tuscan palace and not clean up their kitchen for half an hour every week.

I would also observe the following about The Newlyweds and its "reluctant stars":

1. My good girlfriend Jessica has a really good album. It's certainly not her first one, though, with all its wailing balladry. But the second, called "Irrestistable" if memory serves, has a fantastic song on it called "What's It Gonna Be" in which she demands, "I wanna know where we stand. Are ya gonna be a dog, or a gentle-man?" How could I not approve of such a rhyme?

2. The pronounciation of the surname of Nick Lachey, Jessica's husband, is surely "lockie", based on any right-minded operation of the English language. Yes? No, actually. The damn FOOL thinks it's pronounced "La-SHAY". Why, this lawlessness simply isn't right. When people just think they can say their own name however they like, it presents an imminent risk to civil order.

3. As soon as Jessica's big dumb husband realises his only future lies in gay pr0n, and most probably not in the production of such horrendous audio recordings as his solo album (called "Soulo"), the better it will be for all concerned.


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